If I had a gun, i'd shoot a hole into the sun; for you.

Is it still considered "cheating" if it isn't with another man?

What if it's a woman. And Yes, I am talking about myself in this situation.

Not that I have cheated in any way..on anyone. Technically I am not dating someone now. (WAH? Murry?)

Gosh but BAH. I am getting myself confused.

Why is it when I want something how I would like, but then it comes true/real, and then I feel

like something's missing still.. but everything is how I wanted it?

Well not everything exactly... not the part about me and him being together physically anymore..(Long distance)

Or getting married and having babies..

Not that I need those anytime soon either. I need a career first.

Cosmetology... meh... its not what I thought. I enjoy it but then again I don't enjoy the atmosphere and the people. I am a hippy at heart after all. A tree hugger. Not a product lover. Ironic.

I need something practical.

More practical then hair.

But anyhow---

I never felt this way about a woman before ha...

Her name being said out loud makes me excited.

And seeing her (although i've only seen her twice) makes me nervous and twitchy inside.

I met her at a Pretty Lights show in Minneapolis for the first time. Thought she was gorgeous...

I saw her again a few nights ago at a party in the twin cities, and I didn't want to feel stalker-ish and follow her, but I really wanted to Lol.. I being drunk as crap, told her I thought she was super pretty..

All to find out the next morning that she actually was a lesbian. (OMG. GOOD. SO I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE A FREAK OF NATURE FOR LIKING HER)

Something about her...her essence..She's cool. :)

I hope I see her again.

Gosh thats weird for me to say.

I am SUCH.. a lesbatron.

Baby, You and I.

"We got a whole lotta money but were still payin' rent,

cause we can't buy a house in heaven yet"

Minnesota Minnesota Minnesota. I love you.

Why am i so stuck on this idea of love?

Why can't i ever get you outta my head..

Playin World of Warcraft.

Think i developed temporary carpal tunel in my left hand from playing just now.

Owwwwwww..

Im just sore all over :/

Goodnight ya'll. <3

Hmmf. Pfft. Gaghhhh.

Soooo.

I have not written in this blog in wow like, three months?

Where have i been?

Oh, i don't know..

Blowing everything out of my ass.

It just seems like, WHOOP.

There it goes.

My dignity.

Taking every last word back,

and every step,

every breath,

every lie,

every song,

every smile,

EVERY. LAST. Thing.

Mmm... Maybe i'm just overreacting. Or just being weird.

Cause i don't quite know what im talking about now anyways.

Just making things up to sound poetic and like an arteeesstt i suppose....

Just, thought i'd update though.

My life seems a bit more cheerful now and not as dreary.

I'm kind of NOT waiting for something horrible and depressing to happen though.

I'm just..trying to live life. Not suicidal...or bitchy.

As for relationships...with that boy.

We are friends now..

I think he realizes he loves me.

Finally...

Too bad hes going away in a few months.

Oh well... What is a girl to do :/

I've been through shitty hellhole stages with that kid, but i cant quite leave him alone.

And Neither can he.

We're doomed.

Oh well though..

I guess one more earthquake on this planet and it all will be ending anyhow..

So..maybe i can die with the man i love?

And my family of course...

It just.. you know. Sounds more romantic imagining just he and i falling into an endless, bottomless, rocky, boiling pit of hot lauva- EARTHQUAKE. FLOOD. TSUNAMI.

Yay....

Well <3

Bye for noww.

Blow this joint.

I hope to keep a personal journal like this for many years..
And i know technology is only going to become more and more advanced and shit, so... It will be as simple as a snap.

Snaps sometimes are difficult though... Whatever though, good comparison.

I really want to get back into school. I'm killing to get out of this state. Even if that means leave loved ones behind...

I'm on a search for the one. My soulmate. Whether that be a male or female.
I know i may never find such a person, but it's possible...


Today i want to draw.
Draw. Draw.
Your face is inspiration,
your body moves with such grace & pattern.
Your mouth the focal point.
Your sweet..
Twirl around my pad.

My charcoal utensils....


I think i found a very important piece of myself.
The artist in me.
I indeed, am the strangest person i have ever known.
And if i ever shall find someone as awkward as, well, I...
I don't know how i will react.
I will find you fascinating,
but intimidating.
You already scare me, just imagine.
Possibilities will flourish!
Probably too many to handle at once,
but its alright..
we have all yet of life to discover!
I just hope your ready for it, my dear.


Peace.

Your just a girl; you don't know what you want.

My creative outlook on life seems to be in change at every second..

I want to expand my horizons.. live a little.

Don't you wanna be there with me? You see..

I'm a very complex person deep down inside,

And i wanna be able to share that with the entire world one day..

Let me change your viewpoints and opinions!

Let me enlighten you with my weirdness.

Take a load off your back and hear me out..

Trains, Planes, And Automobiles.

Fuck trains.

I hope you are in heaven, Walt. Chasing the bunnies and drinking out of unlimited toilet bowls up there.

All dogs are supposed to go to heaven, after all...

I'll miss you, Fish eye...Hubba Bubba..

Ugh..

Just another thing to top off my suck list of life.

Oh the problems life punches you in the face with.

Oh, My name is Shannon.
Shannin. Shannan. Shannun. Shannen.
I do not want to be ON anymore.

FML!

Today, I threw up at work, my heart started beating in the middle of my stomach, i watched Winnie The Pooh, and i realized some things need to change.

I have such an exciting life. Not. Oh yeah, and its great to know i have lost my soul and don't have love for myself.

This is not good news...whatsoever. But, i sliced my wrists last night with a razor.
For the first time in a while, i hadn't felt any pain for the minutes i did it.

Thats sad i had to resort to cutting... Since i apparently have the shittiest will-power, and enjoy harming myself.

I used to be anorexic, but i never did it to not feel. I did that plainly because i thought i was fat.

Cutting and starving are never okay.. But at the same time, i don't give a shit.
This is THEE worst i have ever felt in my life..
To have your bloody heart stabbed in your chest, ripped out, and thrown on a wooden stick in your front yard.


Not literally of course... but thats how it feels.

I won't even go into any more detail about why i feel this way, simply because i don't want to remind myself anymore than i already do.

It sucks...

I know alot of people go through these things.. Having the boy you love, not love you back enough to want to be with you. I honestly don't give a shit about my age. I know i'm young, but i feel like.. If you ever find someone you can love like that, you should'nt ever have to let them go and move on. What is the point of life if you have no love? I don't even have love for myself right now.. If you can't even love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you? And how can you give that love to someone else. I lost the love for myself when he told me he couldn't be with me...

Trying to compose myself.

I have to deal with this though. Cause honestly...what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. I know thats like, a famous quote, and may be corny, but its true.

Deal Shano.

I value our friendship so much....but i can't bare to look at him. Not when he can be with some other girl already.

That hurts the most.... Fucccccccccckkkkkkkkkk.


Enough with this. Because nothing i have been or done the past year and a half matters anymore. I'm starting a new life, and im not looking back. Forget you Robert Michael Bown. I hope you get aids from this herpes whore and die by the time your 50. And you don't get to live your dream of being some 110 year old man doing yoga and smoking dope in your living room. Looking like some old Ghandi dude.

(I'm just kidding...i love you so much......and i want you happy forever.)

I'm just angry with you now and am pretending to wish that upon you...
But for now, Fuck you.