Hope for myself

I feel like I'm trapped in this world where I am so confused about everything.
I'm not sure what my purpose is quite yet... Its killing me inside, ha.

Everything I want seems so out of reach. I have NO idea where to start. I feel so old right now. Is that crazy? Because I'm only 20? I'll be 21 on July 19th this year, and I STILL don't know what I want to do in my life. I know tons of kids go through this same shit, but it's driving me absolutely fucking crazy right now that I am wasting my life smoking weed everyday, sitting in my house alone for hours at a time, sleeping in past noon everyday, partying a couple days a week, working maybe once a week at my shitty retail job (not working at ALL my makeup job which pisses me off), living at my parents house, having no opportunities with friends or anything to get away or move, having to pay for a student loan already which I am not even doing what I was trained, losing faith in myself every fucking day, having broke friends, putting myself down or having others drain me of my confidence more and more everyday.

I DON'T FEEL PRETTY.
I DO NOT.

My fantasy dream of modeling seems so far out of reach too :/ two more years and I will probably not be able to get into that ever.

My sisters and I rarely talk I feel. No one supports me.

Paying bills suck ass. Especially when you barely work enough to pay them.
Like... How the hell am I supposed to start fresh somewhere else?

I have ALL this stupid petty shit dragging me down and I don't know how to go about things anymore. I'm lost, and I'm sure as hell not getting any younger.

At least I have hopes and dreams of happiness and steady nice paychecks and a family and nice house and fucking EVERYTHING.

I just don't see anything happening for me right now.
I need a pick-me-up.
I don't want to rely on ANYONE to make me happy either. I want to master how to create my own happiness.

I feel like running away..

I wish my parents would have educated me on college while I was in high school. I wish I had done better in high school...

I could be partying at a fucking pool party right now like Robby getting fucking hammered with hot attractive people not giving a shit about life today but NO. I have to be sitting here in an old 20 year old smelly sweatshirt and ugly sweatpants freezing my ass off in my cold ass Minnesota BASEMENT. Oh and add complaining about everything in life to that too. I hate being a complainer.

Especially when it has to do with my life...

If I had a gun, i'd shoot a hole into the sun; for you.

Is it still considered "cheating" if it isn't with another man?

What if it's a woman. And Yes, I am talking about myself in this situation.

Not that I have cheated in any way..on anyone. Technically I am not dating someone now. (WAH? Murry?)

Gosh but BAH. I am getting myself confused.

Why is it when I want something how I would like, but then it comes true/real, and then I feel

like something's missing still.. but everything is how I wanted it?

Well not everything exactly... not the part about me and him being together physically anymore..(Long distance)

Or getting married and having babies..

Not that I need those anytime soon either. I need a career first.

Cosmetology... meh... its not what I thought. I enjoy it but then again I don't enjoy the atmosphere and the people. I am a hippy at heart after all. A tree hugger. Not a product lover. Ironic.

I need something practical.

More practical then hair.

But anyhow---

I never felt this way about a woman before ha...

Her name being said out loud makes me excited.

And seeing her (although i've only seen her twice) makes me nervous and twitchy inside.

I met her at a Pretty Lights show in Minneapolis for the first time. Thought she was gorgeous...

I saw her again a few nights ago at a party in the twin cities, and I didn't want to feel stalker-ish and follow her, but I really wanted to Lol.. I being drunk as crap, told her I thought she was super pretty..

All to find out the next morning that she actually was a lesbian. (OMG. GOOD. SO I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE A FREAK OF NATURE FOR LIKING HER)

Something about her...her essence..She's cool. :)

I hope I see her again.

Gosh thats weird for me to say.

I am SUCH.. a lesbatron.