It's only a Dream....

  Like most nights, i can remember at least one or two segments of dreaming that goes on in my head when i wake up from sleep. That was just a dream... Sometimes i have to tell myself that every day...sometimes all day because it was that effective of alterating my thoughts and creating a strange mood for me to sit in all day...

It's true, the more you record/write down your dreams right away once you wake up, it does improve your ability to remember more or think back. I find myself having deja vu moments frequently. Kind of like yesterday while i was on break at work in the back making myself a cup of tea... Little things like remembering i have been here doing this before... but that is not possibly as i have only worked there a couple weeks. Its so interesting to have that feeling. I've learned to really appreciate it. And sometimes when i find myself upset or pissed off all day due to an odd dream that lasted what seems hours and hours, i think for a second... hmmmm. This is actually so fascinating that this alters my mood so much.. And why? I don't know.. It's only a dream?

It's becoming significant to me.. these signs, symbols, similar places, lengths, times, etc. Everything is remarkable. 

Lets begin on a positive note, a positive flow

"Fleur"

:),

Today I felt like posting something new, a photo for once. 

I took this out in my front yard of Farmington, MN. 

Fall has most definitely...not sprung.. but..uh, arisen?

Aha, I totally love it though. Favorite time of the year.

And you know, i actually quite like the dreary transition into winter because i always become extra productive for some reason, i love the rain, and of course- Fall fashion!

I can't help but be UN-productive at the moment however due to my addiction to beauty/style gurus on youtube. And Pewdiepie. Have you heard of him? His name is Felix, a swedish gamer who screams like a girl all the time (which i laugh at all the time) and has an adorable girlfriend named Marzia, aka CutiePie. 

& 

GAH can i not stop watching both of them..... :]

So that is why i am horribly unproductive.

I just feel like i have this DREAM of becoming something of myself...someone inspirational.  

All these gurus inspire me! 

They are doing their job.

You can only do your best and try your hardest at things in life, I myself am just afraid i am too casual of a thinker and i believe certain luck and goodness happen to people. Everything happens for a reason :)

I just hope my train of thought smoothens out soon and i realize what i want in life

I am now twenty-two years of age, and i know that may not be very old but i still have this confusion inside of me about almost ABSOLUTELY everything!

Guess that is how humans are... that is how we function. What is life without a bit of confusion? :) We would probably hate or dislike ourselves if we had everything we ever wanted. Its nice to work for things and to achieve a happy and high karma for ourselves. 

Keep doing you everyone, things will be smooth one day for all of us :)

∆Shannon

Total Confusion.

Today I can't even explain how I feel. 
My dreams from last night have shaken me.

Have you ever had your day completely ruined due to upsetting/disturbing dreams from the previous night? Godamn... It feels worse than a breakup right now. 
The shittiness keeps on coming today also because I haven't even driven and gone into work yet. 
I feel like killing myself.

In my dream... I felt like I had no control over what I was doing. I was upset in my slumber, then  awaken with this same feeling of no control. 

I have been hoping and practicing for a lucid dream to come my way, and full control, but instead it ends up a nightmare with control that I do not want? I don't know how to explain it and it's pissing me off right now cause I can't spit it out.  I cannot describe it. It was a shit fest in my head. 

At the end of this dream, I'm standing in line at a broken down- dump yard- gated- outdoor- city  airport by the Atlantic ocean in Boston, waiting to get on a plane that I know is going to crash. It fucking upset me. I got on the plane and in the very last row of seats is where I was assigned. Every one was laughing and having good conversation except for me... because I knew we were about to die. (I think they all knew this as well) It was a suicide plane crash waiting to happen. And before that my little cousin was being a slutty whore-bag in my grandmothers house (My grandfather was alive still as well, probably the only positive part of this whole dream was seeing his face, and hearing him, seeing him sit in his usual lazy boy chair...) I was outraged at her behavior.... The ouiji board down in the cellar had gone missing. It was just so weird. I feel as if something dark was inside of me last night. Disturbing me and testing me. 

The part before this I was drugged up at a concert/festival, where it had been raining and full of people everywhere.... I still wasn't happy here as well. It's like I had this negativity on my shoulders the entire night I slept.  Before getting on this "suicide plane" I had even taken some MDMA in my grandmothers house, and little did I know I would be rushing out of the house to be taken to this airport... I hate feeling rushed. Especially having little or no conversation with my grandparents in their home, and all this sin followed me every where I went in this dream... 

WTF. 

I don't even know today... I need to get out of this funk. I think I'm starting my menstrual cycle soon. I don't know why I would be getting this moody for no reason.  Probably doesn't help anything in my head.  

I must go though... Sorry such a negative post this time.  Usually try to talk about something creative or positive, or at least REAL life problems. 

Maybe this dream is sending out a message to me in some way. I have not even described the majority of it. But I remember it all so well, so it must be important. I get better and better at reading my dreams the older I grow. 

All for now...

~Shannon

Lost.

Im a little bit lost right now.

I have been since the summer has ended.

I don't know what i am doing wrong.

Living Situation
Transportation
Family Life
Love Life
Career
Health
Fun
Excitement
Peace
Travel
Money
Mind-set
Personal Style
Schooling
Freedom

These are all necessary things that are result in prime happiness to me. If i don't feel i have a 9/10 in greatness/satisfactory or above in these areas, i am not completely happy with my life. That i can not control how my brain works, and i really have to do my best to strive for these results. I feel like i am so technical typing all of this, and maybe seeming a bit... I don't know, (not selfish) but needy. It's just not enough. And don't get me wrong i have nothing to complain about.. I don't need anymore material things. I could give two shits about technology or cell phones.. It's just.... :/ My mind is not to its full extent in happiness how else can i explain it! Don't you ever feel lost in yourself? Or lost in the world? I had to delete my Facebook because of the annoyance and stress i was feeling from it. I feel my life is boring sometimes...
Maybe it is the cold weather of Minnesota hitting me with emotions this time.. I do not have seasonal depression or whatnot, but i feel i can not be happy without knowing the world is at peace. I feel like the physical world is not doing so hot either. Maybe i worry too much? Am i going delusional slowly with the psychedelics i occasionally take? I thought it was supposed to broaden and expand your horizon of life? It has for me, yes. But maybe that is creeping back upon me and the fears i had during middle school of the world ending is effecting me without true realization. 



I have to shop and spend money to create some sort of numb happiness to prevent boredom in my life, even though half the things i buy i regret.

(Physical things and money may not bring you complete happiness, but it can certainly make things easier and less painless.)

I suppose everyone should shoot for that goal of becoming successful in life, why wouldn't you? You don't have to feel selfish for working hard, but you must make good use out of that fortune.. Some may never be that lucky, but you can always say you tried and that SHOULD bring you some satisfaction. 


I don't know if it is completely normal for everyone my age (twenty one) to feel this way. I have talked to many before and they too have felt lost and alone for periods of time however... Why is it that we allow ourselves to feel this way??
We want completely opposite. We try and try everyday, but maybe not hard enough.

I know for a fact i do not try hard enough at most things because i settle for "Ok" (I'm like my mother) I know i can, but i haven't reached that mind-set yet where i cannot say no or just "ok".

I think i need to step it up... in every one of those categories.


-Confused but determined soul. 

Election Day...One last thought.

If you voted for Obama and you are a college kid tonight I hope you enjoy being unemployed and living with your parents. Those among you with kids have doomed them to less opportunity and to have to shoulder the debt you have wrought on your country by choosing the path of wreckless indifference and personal greed. I hope you enjoy higher gas prices, food prices, and far less freedom. I hope you understand why you will have less choices for medical care and why that quality of care will be diminished. You will have to watch as your children wait in line behind iresponsible people and those that dont pay into our system before they get what you work hard to provide them. You will have to watch as your elderly parents cant get medicare, and more importantly, cant find a doctor willing to take it. If you depend on someone in your family in the medical field get ready to live on far less. If you are Jewish, get ready to see the consequences of ... treating politics as a team sport. Gone are the days when Jews (or anyone else) could aspire to the medical profession and expect to earn a living consumate with the effort they put into achieving. If you are graduating college I wouldnt pack up your room. In short as our nation continues to suffer from a "leader" who apologizes to our enemies, makes us out to be the problem, and thinks the only path to sucess is to take from the workers and give to the dregs I earnestly hope you are keenly aware of your part in this. Whatever you do do not come to me for help when the above befalls you, I will be doing my best to avoid this monstrosity of a govt you have helped to wrought upon your fellow countrymen and this offense goes far beyond " I told you so". We are not simply in disagreement on an issue we are on fundamentaly different planes of reality. I hope you are in a union because you just voted to pay more taxes so the annointed few can retire early and get better pay and benefts than you. You helped support a candidate whos stratregy was to empower all the pople in society who drag it down including the people who are here illegally. You have devalued your vote, your citizenship, and your own currency. You have betrayed the fundamental principles this country was founded on to play "elitist liberal roulette" with our futures and get some temporary goodies from the govt on the backs of your kids. I have no respect for you. I have no sympathy for you. You are beneath contempt. You are traitors to your country and selfish elitist swine. May the next four years be as miserable for you as it will be for those you have wrought this disaster on.

Wow...

Im so glad I am in school :)
But not so glad I have to work still :(
I always work. I will never get a break.

Also...

Did not wish my boyfriend lived 3 hours away.
:/

Hmmmf...
Tired of cuddling alone at night with my estranged kitty.

Random thoughts before i go to bed.

SWWWWWWWWWWWWEET

LAZERBASS - Rosetta Stoned [DEMO-CLIP]

we're about to get nutz.

Hiiiiighh. Like the sky.


I've dreamed about this very moment my whole entire life.
W H E N - whenever i'm hggh
WH O - robby
W HAT - this night in present time




HEY i just met you. and this is crazy.
so here's my number. so DON'T call me maybe.



















:) 
Jk you can. 








Nahhh...nehhh.. Not!

My body;it aches. My knees;they shake

Helllllllllllo--

It smells like feet in my presence..

and not good clean ones either.

Why am I still up?

I don't know.

RANDOMNESS & RANDOM THOUGHTS:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9I_cV8VcaVQ


I love this song^ 
& I've probably watched 500 days of summer about every night the past 10 days.




I need a massage like, Asap. Before I die and crinkle up in the rain.




Had a really fun day at Ikea today :)




REALLY want to get a tattoo. Or 2.
First one: 'Free' on my collar bone
Second one: Sweet Dispositon lyrics on my back/ribs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-ENipUB8NI&feature=related
^This song.
Third one: Individualized trippy tree design on my ass/hip




& Time for me to go to bed. Goodbye, friends.






-Shaniquaaa

Hope for myself

I feel like I'm trapped in this world where I am so confused about everything.
I'm not sure what my purpose is quite yet... Its killing me inside, ha.

Everything I want seems so out of reach. I have NO idea where to start. I feel so old right now. Is that crazy? Because I'm only 20? I'll be 21 on July 19th this year, and I STILL don't know what I want to do in my life. I know tons of kids go through this same shit, but it's driving me absolutely fucking crazy right now that I am wasting my life smoking weed everyday, sitting in my house alone for hours at a time, sleeping in past noon everyday, partying a couple days a week, working maybe once a week at my shitty retail job (not working at ALL my makeup job which pisses me off), living at my parents house, having no opportunities with friends or anything to get away or move, having to pay for a student loan already which I am not even doing what I was trained, losing faith in myself every fucking day, having broke friends, putting myself down or having others drain me of my confidence more and more everyday.

I DON'T FEEL PRETTY.
I DO NOT.

My fantasy dream of modeling seems so far out of reach too :/ two more years and I will probably not be able to get into that ever.

My sisters and I rarely talk I feel. No one supports me.

Paying bills suck ass. Especially when you barely work enough to pay them.
Like... How the hell am I supposed to start fresh somewhere else?

I have ALL this stupid petty shit dragging me down and I don't know how to go about things anymore. I'm lost, and I'm sure as hell not getting any younger.

At least I have hopes and dreams of happiness and steady nice paychecks and a family and nice house and fucking EVERYTHING.

I just don't see anything happening for me right now.
I need a pick-me-up.
I don't want to rely on ANYONE to make me happy either. I want to master how to create my own happiness.

I feel like running away..

I wish my parents would have educated me on college while I was in high school. I wish I had done better in high school...

I could be partying at a fucking pool party right now like Robby getting fucking hammered with hot attractive people not giving a shit about life today but NO. I have to be sitting here in an old 20 year old smelly sweatshirt and ugly sweatpants freezing my ass off in my cold ass Minnesota BASEMENT. Oh and add complaining about everything in life to that too. I hate being a complainer.

Especially when it has to do with my life...

Life is SHORT.

Literally..
I have been thinking a lot about how I am going to be 21 this year.
Part of me does not want to age. Age is only a number but..

Still...

I have only so much time while i'm young. I won't be able to get away with much
when im 25...or 32...45....69...80??
(Nah, i'll be dead by 80.)

I need to explore life more...
I'm so caught up in having structure.
Sure its important, but is it really necessary to have completed college by 23..?
Or be married by 25?
Know what my future is right now. Ha...

I will never know, i swear.

Does it really matter what people think of me?
I only have this life to look forward..
I don't know if there will be a second chance for anything.
I'm tired of regretting..

I should just do what i want and Stfu?

I think so.
<3

If I had a gun, i'd shoot a hole into the sun; for you.

Is it still considered "cheating" if it isn't with another man?

What if it's a woman. And Yes, I am talking about myself in this situation.

Not that I have cheated in any way..on anyone. Technically I am not dating someone now. (WAH? Murry?)

Gosh but BAH. I am getting myself confused.

Why is it when I want something how I would like, but then it comes true/real, and then I feel

like something's missing still.. but everything is how I wanted it?

Well not everything exactly... not the part about me and him being together physically anymore..(Long distance)

Or getting married and having babies..

Not that I need those anytime soon either. I need a career first.

Cosmetology... meh... its not what I thought. I enjoy it but then again I don't enjoy the atmosphere and the people. I am a hippy at heart after all. A tree hugger. Not a product lover. Ironic.

I need something practical.

More practical then hair.

But anyhow---

I never felt this way about a woman before ha...

Her name being said out loud makes me excited.

And seeing her (although i've only seen her twice) makes me nervous and twitchy inside.

I met her at a Pretty Lights show in Minneapolis for the first time. Thought she was gorgeous...

I saw her again a few nights ago at a party in the twin cities, and I didn't want to feel stalker-ish and follow her, but I really wanted to Lol.. I being drunk as crap, told her I thought she was super pretty..

All to find out the next morning that she actually was a lesbian. (OMG. GOOD. SO I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE A FREAK OF NATURE FOR LIKING HER)

Something about her...her essence..She's cool. :)

I hope I see her again.

Gosh thats weird for me to say.

I am SUCH.. a lesbatron.

Baby, You and I.

"We got a whole lotta money but were still payin' rent,

cause we can't buy a house in heaven yet"

Minnesota Minnesota Minnesota. I love you.

Why am i so stuck on this idea of love?

Why can't i ever get you outta my head..

Playin World of Warcraft.

Think i developed temporary carpal tunel in my left hand from playing just now.

Owwwwwww..

Im just sore all over :/

Goodnight ya'll. <3

Hmmf. Pfft. Gaghhhh.

Soooo.

I have not written in this blog in wow like, three months?

Where have i been?

Oh, i don't know..

Blowing everything out of my ass.

It just seems like, WHOOP.

There it goes.

My dignity.

Taking every last word back,

and every step,

every breath,

every lie,

every song,

every smile,

EVERY. LAST. Thing.

Mmm... Maybe i'm just overreacting. Or just being weird.

Cause i don't quite know what im talking about now anyways.

Just making things up to sound poetic and like an arteeesstt i suppose....

Just, thought i'd update though.

My life seems a bit more cheerful now and not as dreary.

I'm kind of NOT waiting for something horrible and depressing to happen though.

I'm just..trying to live life. Not suicidal...or bitchy.

As for relationships...with that boy.

We are friends now..

I think he realizes he loves me.

Finally...

Too bad hes going away in a few months.

Oh well... What is a girl to do :/

I've been through shitty hellhole stages with that kid, but i cant quite leave him alone.

And Neither can he.

We're doomed.

Oh well though..

I guess one more earthquake on this planet and it all will be ending anyhow..

So..maybe i can die with the man i love?

And my family of course...

It just.. you know. Sounds more romantic imagining just he and i falling into an endless, bottomless, rocky, boiling pit of hot lauva- EARTHQUAKE. FLOOD. TSUNAMI.

Yay....

Well <3

Bye for noww.

Blow this joint.

I hope to keep a personal journal like this for many years..
And i know technology is only going to become more and more advanced and shit, so... It will be as simple as a snap.

Snaps sometimes are difficult though... Whatever though, good comparison.

I really want to get back into school. I'm killing to get out of this state. Even if that means leave loved ones behind...

I'm on a search for the one. My soulmate. Whether that be a male or female.
I know i may never find such a person, but it's possible...


Today i want to draw.
Draw. Draw.
Your face is inspiration,
your body moves with such grace & pattern.
Your mouth the focal point.
Your sweet..
Twirl around my pad.

My charcoal utensils....


I think i found a very important piece of myself.
The artist in me.
I indeed, am the strangest person i have ever known.
And if i ever shall find someone as awkward as, well, I...
I don't know how i will react.
I will find you fascinating,
but intimidating.
You already scare me, just imagine.
Possibilities will flourish!
Probably too many to handle at once,
but its alright..
we have all yet of life to discover!
I just hope your ready for it, my dear.


Peace.

Your just a girl; you don't know what you want.

My creative outlook on life seems to be in change at every second..

I want to expand my horizons.. live a little.

Don't you wanna be there with me? You see..

I'm a very complex person deep down inside,

And i wanna be able to share that with the entire world one day..

Let me change your viewpoints and opinions!

Let me enlighten you with my weirdness.

Take a load off your back and hear me out..

Trains, Planes, And Automobiles.

Fuck trains.

I hope you are in heaven, Walt. Chasing the bunnies and drinking out of unlimited toilet bowls up there.

All dogs are supposed to go to heaven, after all...

I'll miss you, Fish eye...Hubba Bubba..

Ugh..

Just another thing to top off my suck list of life.

Oh the problems life punches you in the face with.

Oh, My name is Shannon.
Shannin. Shannan. Shannun. Shannen.
I do not want to be ON anymore.

FML!

Today, I threw up at work, my heart started beating in the middle of my stomach, i watched Winnie The Pooh, and i realized some things need to change.

I have such an exciting life. Not. Oh yeah, and its great to know i have lost my soul and don't have love for myself.

This is not good news...whatsoever. But, i sliced my wrists last night with a razor.
For the first time in a while, i hadn't felt any pain for the minutes i did it.

Thats sad i had to resort to cutting... Since i apparently have the shittiest will-power, and enjoy harming myself.

I used to be anorexic, but i never did it to not feel. I did that plainly because i thought i was fat.

Cutting and starving are never okay.. But at the same time, i don't give a shit.
This is THEE worst i have ever felt in my life..
To have your bloody heart stabbed in your chest, ripped out, and thrown on a wooden stick in your front yard.


Not literally of course... but thats how it feels.

I won't even go into any more detail about why i feel this way, simply because i don't want to remind myself anymore than i already do.

It sucks...

I know alot of people go through these things.. Having the boy you love, not love you back enough to want to be with you. I honestly don't give a shit about my age. I know i'm young, but i feel like.. If you ever find someone you can love like that, you should'nt ever have to let them go and move on. What is the point of life if you have no love? I don't even have love for myself right now.. If you can't even love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you? And how can you give that love to someone else. I lost the love for myself when he told me he couldn't be with me...

Trying to compose myself.

I have to deal with this though. Cause honestly...what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. I know thats like, a famous quote, and may be corny, but its true.

Deal Shano.

I value our friendship so much....but i can't bare to look at him. Not when he can be with some other girl already.

That hurts the most.... Fucccccccccckkkkkkkkkk.


Enough with this. Because nothing i have been or done the past year and a half matters anymore. I'm starting a new life, and im not looking back. Forget you Robert Michael Bown. I hope you get aids from this herpes whore and die by the time your 50. And you don't get to live your dream of being some 110 year old man doing yoga and smoking dope in your living room. Looking like some old Ghandi dude.

(I'm just kidding...i love you so much......and i want you happy forever.)

I'm just angry with you now and am pretending to wish that upon you...
But for now, Fuck you.

need a new life. gimme yours

Please?

So i had this shocking revelation this past week.
I learned to forget you.

Your gone officially.
Poof.
And that is the last time i will say poof.

Time for a new hair style or color.

Its a sense of relief actually...i made it an entire week without me feeling bad about something.
But i've return back to reality now..

Please God, let me get through this.

No one else matters at this point in my life. Time to be selfish a little bit, Shannon..
I made it over the bump, now get me over the rest of the hill.


I cant believe how different of a person i am now.
The shitty situation really did bring some good.
(But bad as well)

?I seem to be a very self battling person.
Its interesting how it seems so easy for everyone else. Maybe it is..
But everyone has their struggles in life.
I just happen to be very emotional and have a lot.

Cool beans....


:::::: Its hard to just cut a big chunk of your life off. And shove a new piece on there..
But i know what i gotta work on.

I need you Jesus, more than ever.

How can i just let you walk away.. Just let you leave without a trace?
When i stand here taking every breath with you. Your the only one who really knew me at all.
How can you just walk away from me? When all i can do is watch you leave..
Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain, and even shared the tears.
Your the only one who really knew me at all.
I wish i could just make you turn around. Turn around and see me cry.
Theres so much i need to say to you, so many reasons why. Your the only one who really knew me at all..


So take a look at me now.
Theres just an empty space.
Theres nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face.

Take a look at me now.
I'll just be standing here.
But you coming back to me is against the odds..
and thats the chance i've got to face.