Your just a girl; you don't know what you want.

My creative outlook on life seems to be in change at every second..

I want to expand my horizons.. live a little.

Don't you wanna be there with me? You see..

I'm a very complex person deep down inside,

And i wanna be able to share that with the entire world one day..

Let me change your viewpoints and opinions!

Let me enlighten you with my weirdness.

Take a load off your back and hear me out..

Trains, Planes, And Automobiles.

Fuck trains.

I hope you are in heaven, Walt. Chasing the bunnies and drinking out of unlimited toilet bowls up there.

All dogs are supposed to go to heaven, after all...

I'll miss you, Fish eye...Hubba Bubba..

Ugh..

Just another thing to top off my suck list of life.

Oh the problems life punches you in the face with.

Oh, My name is Shannon.
Shannin. Shannan. Shannun. Shannen.
I do not want to be ON anymore.

FML!

Today, I threw up at work, my heart started beating in the middle of my stomach, i watched Winnie The Pooh, and i realized some things need to change.

I have such an exciting life. Not. Oh yeah, and its great to know i have lost my soul and don't have love for myself.

This is not good news...whatsoever. But, i sliced my wrists last night with a razor.
For the first time in a while, i hadn't felt any pain for the minutes i did it.

Thats sad i had to resort to cutting... Since i apparently have the shittiest will-power, and enjoy harming myself.

I used to be anorexic, but i never did it to not feel. I did that plainly because i thought i was fat.

Cutting and starving are never okay.. But at the same time, i don't give a shit.
This is THEE worst i have ever felt in my life..
To have your bloody heart stabbed in your chest, ripped out, and thrown on a wooden stick in your front yard.


Not literally of course... but thats how it feels.

I won't even go into any more detail about why i feel this way, simply because i don't want to remind myself anymore than i already do.

It sucks...

I know alot of people go through these things.. Having the boy you love, not love you back enough to want to be with you. I honestly don't give a shit about my age. I know i'm young, but i feel like.. If you ever find someone you can love like that, you should'nt ever have to let them go and move on. What is the point of life if you have no love? I don't even have love for myself right now.. If you can't even love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you? And how can you give that love to someone else. I lost the love for myself when he told me he couldn't be with me...

Trying to compose myself.

I have to deal with this though. Cause honestly...what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. I know thats like, a famous quote, and may be corny, but its true.

Deal Shano.

I value our friendship so much....but i can't bare to look at him. Not when he can be with some other girl already.

That hurts the most.... Fucccccccccckkkkkkkkkk.


Enough with this. Because nothing i have been or done the past year and a half matters anymore. I'm starting a new life, and im not looking back. Forget you Robert Michael Bown. I hope you get aids from this herpes whore and die by the time your 50. And you don't get to live your dream of being some 110 year old man doing yoga and smoking dope in your living room. Looking like some old Ghandi dude.

(I'm just kidding...i love you so much......and i want you happy forever.)

I'm just angry with you now and am pretending to wish that upon you...
But for now, Fuck you.

need a new life. gimme yours

Please?

So i had this shocking revelation this past week.
I learned to forget you.

Your gone officially.
Poof.
And that is the last time i will say poof.

Time for a new hair style or color.

Its a sense of relief actually...i made it an entire week without me feeling bad about something.
But i've return back to reality now..

Please God, let me get through this.

No one else matters at this point in my life. Time to be selfish a little bit, Shannon..
I made it over the bump, now get me over the rest of the hill.


I cant believe how different of a person i am now.
The shitty situation really did bring some good.
(But bad as well)

?I seem to be a very self battling person.
Its interesting how it seems so easy for everyone else. Maybe it is..
But everyone has their struggles in life.
I just happen to be very emotional and have a lot.

Cool beans....


:::::: Its hard to just cut a big chunk of your life off. And shove a new piece on there..
But i know what i gotta work on.

I need you Jesus, more than ever.

How can i just let you walk away.. Just let you leave without a trace?
When i stand here taking every breath with you. Your the only one who really knew me at all.
How can you just walk away from me? When all i can do is watch you leave..
Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain, and even shared the tears.
Your the only one who really knew me at all.
I wish i could just make you turn around. Turn around and see me cry.
Theres so much i need to say to you, so many reasons why. Your the only one who really knew me at all..


So take a look at me now.
Theres just an empty space.
Theres nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face.

Take a look at me now.
I'll just be standing here.
But you coming back to me is against the odds..
and thats the chance i've got to face.

Lover, i would die for you. Any time you want me to.

Boob.
Boo.
Bumsicle.

I don't know what else to do right now, about you, about this..
about me.
Don't know what to do, but i know i can't live properly without you.
:(

Best.
Thats what you are.
Friend.
Thats what you are.

My mind and heart race, just to the thought of you.
It's hard to let you go, when there is no reason to..
When your still here.
And i have to watch you.

Theres no need to use strong words.
When they only push us away.
I don't wanna loose the only partial love you have for me,
I can't push it...

You mean more to me,
Then anyone.. anyone i'll ever have.
Your special.. you took part of my heart..
And i'll never get it back.

I can't speak for you.
I won't lie to you.
I can't control you.
I won't loose you.

I hate confusing you,
so i can't say any more.

yuck, old iced tea; a horse is drooling on my face.

as i type right at this momento,
i am OBSERVING a game of guns, power, and sex.

Yes. I said the word sex.

Anyways, i am the damsel in distress.
Stuck with a bunch of ol' hooligans.
Old fools..
Old pieces of poo.
Don't bamboozle with me now!
Hell to the no.

Yes.. I said hell.

Roberto Alejandro Fernando here sitting next to me shooting his bazooka,
is the old bum on the streets, drinkin his crown whiskey, petting his slobbery dog,
and lying to me.
Lying to me about revenge of the siths on star wars,
and is full of shit.

Yeah...I said shit.

And Little Trevor the bloody little magical elf,
is the seeker of love.
He wishes to impress his mistress of inver hills,
and do some fucking magic.

Now that is impressing...

Fucking is a good hobby.

very good for excercise...

Need a punching bag. So I can practice your punch in the face.

Eat. Pray. Love.

Sooo..
Saw that movie just a couple hours ago.

I liked it.
But it only made my desire to travel and "live" the way i would prefer, stronger.

But.. That is also ok in a way, because i know i can do anything i want with my life.

EAT.

Eating is quite important i realized.
Does it still make me feel uncomfortable once pounds and pounds of it has ingested into my stomach and intestines? Yes..
But that's still not an excuse not to eat.

Indulge.

I know i may have had eating problems in the past, but i have moved on.
I'm more about a curvy, HEALTHY image. (Thank God)
Food... You can express yourself through in a way. And be creative with it.
I don't blame people for choosing that kind of career.
I'd still love to go to Rome and buy a plate of spagetti or penne or pizza or just tomatos or olive juice.
That type of Yum.

PRAY.

I've been lacking in attending church lately.. And i miss it.
I miss feeling calm and rejuvenated. A Catholic church is definetly safe.

I would consider myself a pretty religious person though.
I still like to do my yoga once in a blue moon. Or sit and meditate to my African jungle CD.

Meditate.

Probably one of my top 5 things to do....
Or just sit and hynotize myself by staring in to spirals. Really does work, that hypnosis..

LOVE.

Love.. Hmmm..
I don't even know what to say.
It's definetly the worst, and best feeling to have. Is be in love.

I feel like i don't have much experience with this subject.
Almost hurts sometimes just to think about though..

Think i might stay away from that.. It almost confuses me.

I would type my entire life story about what i think of love, but my throat hurts.
It tends to get lumps in it when talking about this subject.

Just wait.
Patience.


Fini.

A kiss with a fist is better than none.

Still trying to figure out things in my brain.
If i can't discover myself fully right now, might as well discover some new music..

Go do.

It relates. This type relates. Relatable. Relative.
Thats what it is.

Been thinking though, i might get dreads. Pretty sure it suites my personality well, since im so damn lazy with my own hair. It will work in this industry im about to enter, but still can be seen as professional.

What if there were no such thing as music?
We would definetly all...be a universe of psychotic sufferers. Killing each other and ripping out each others souls more than we already do. More than we have done. No beats. Just BEATINGS.


Now, i'm possibly off to a "party." Don't know how this will go, but i'm up for an adventure at this point. Since my love is fading, my heart must go on a raging.
Rageing...? Not the best speller, but you understand what i'm saying.

It's getting old though.

Need something new to do with my life... Boo.

I once had a blog before, Time for a new one.

I miss watching all those strange animated shows..
Especially that one i would rent from my old private school's library- in like 3rd grade.

I need to learn to play the pijano again.
I miss the old secret talents i had. I let them disappear somehow. Damn..
Im close to almost talent-less.

I need my old class clown self back.
Developed back in the day.. Sweet 5th grade.
Still got a little of the personality though...thank god.

Still got that random speech.
Im going to get myself in deep shit one day.

My life was yellow. Bright..Neon..YELLOW.
Now its dark blue.
It needs to be red.
The color of confidence.
The color of independance.
The color of love.
The color of holly-jolly happiness.

I was there at one point though..
Just went a wee bit too far.

Low. Highhhhhhhhh. Then low.

Bah. Damn dark blue.