Today I can't even explain how I feel.
My dreams from last night have shaken me.
Have you ever had your day completely ruined due to upsetting/disturbing dreams from the previous night? Godamn... It feels worse than a breakup right now.
The shittiness keeps on coming today also because I haven't even driven and gone into work yet.
I feel like killing myself.
In my dream... I felt like I had no control over what I was doing. I was upset in my slumber, then awaken with this same feeling of no control.
I have been hoping and practicing for a lucid dream to come my way, and full control, but instead it ends up a nightmare with control that I do not want? I don't know how to explain it and it's pissing me off right now cause I can't spit it out. I cannot describe it. It was a shit fest in my head.
At the end of this dream, I'm standing in line at a broken down- dump yard- gated- outdoor- city airport by the Atlantic ocean in Boston, waiting to get on a plane that I know is going to crash. It fucking upset me. I got on the plane and in the very last row of seats is where I was assigned. Every one was laughing and having good conversation except for me... because I knew we were about to die. (I think they all knew this as well) It was a suicide plane crash waiting to happen. And before that my little cousin was being a slutty whore-bag in my grandmothers house (My grandfather was alive still as well, probably the only positive part of this whole dream was seeing his face, and hearing him, seeing him sit in his usual lazy boy chair...) I was outraged at her behavior.... The ouiji board down in the cellar had gone missing. It was just so weird. I feel as if something dark was inside of me last night. Disturbing me and testing me.
The part before this I was drugged up at a concert/festival, where it had been raining and full of people everywhere.... I still wasn't happy here as well. It's like I had this negativity on my shoulders the entire night I slept. Before getting on this "suicide plane" I had even taken some MDMA in my grandmothers house, and little did I know I would be rushing out of the house to be taken to this airport... I hate feeling rushed. Especially having little or no conversation with my grandparents in their home, and all this sin followed me every where I went in this dream...
WTF.
I don't even know today... I need to get out of this funk. I think I'm starting my menstrual cycle soon. I don't know why I would be getting this moody for no reason. Probably doesn't help anything in my head.
I must go though... Sorry such a negative post this time. Usually try to talk about something creative or positive, or at least REAL life problems.
Maybe this dream is sending out a message to me in some way. I have not even described the majority of it. But I remember it all so well, so it must be important. I get better and better at reading my dreams the older I grow.
All for now...
~Shannon
